Oh Fashion....You Silly Goose

Alright, alright, I'm not a fashionable guy. And really don't care to be. There is a certain pain that I get in my lower abdomen when I see a man wearing the newest fashion accessory, like a hat that doubles as an energy drink dispenser or a club promoter wearing a polka dot scarf with a goddamn cowboy hat. (shudder) And I live in Las Vegas, my friends, and here is where the biggest douche-fountains from all over California all get together in one place and pretend that all this fashion is their idea. I hate to tell you, bubba, you look like a dipshit in Hollywood or San Jose, and you've just tripled your dumbass score because now, you're the only person in the room that looks like a result of L.A. having too much soy milk and puked you all out on to the Vegas strip.

I don't have the same reaction to women though, because men are inherently stupid, and they literally are only wearing this fucking Ed Hardy Jumpsuit to try to coplulate with you at some point. If it wasn't for the need to have sex, all men....all men....would dress like my dad. Overalls. Red Wings. Soy Bean Company cap. End of story.

Last week, I had to make a run and I came across a very fashionable woman walking through the mall. I had to stop and gander; not to admire her for her beauty, but to confirm to myself that she was not a rodeo clown. Ladies: If you're wearing a pair of muli-colored leggings under a mini-skirt with a pair of black and white cowboy boots on and a yellow blouse, 4 scarves and a beret, you don't look like you're in the fashion-know. You look like someone who, after escaping from the mental institution, broke into a nearby house and raided the closet of the woman you beat to death with a tire iron......before coming to the mall to do some shopping. This woman looked like a seven-year-old mentally handicapped child that you let loose in Charo's closet.

I mean no ill-will, but I will say this: If there is a woman beside you in line that just prefers to wear a hoodie and jeans, don't you dare question her confidence. You turn that head back and don't judge, baby, because, chances are, she has confidence on a level that you can't understand.

And the huge sunglasses. Really, how big can these damn glasses get? Eventually women will just be strutting around with giant Gucci motorcycle helmets into Whole Foods for their organic oyster hand-soap/soup-mix. How about just wearing a hockey mask? After this much plastic surgery by age 24, you'll need to figure something out soon anyway. Look to the NHL for inspirado.

But, all in all, there are more important things to worry about, I know this. I know that this really doesn't affect me personally..well, not until I am blinded by a reflection off of some of those face-globe, decimated-earth sunglasses and run into a fashionable lady wearing a solid steel sombrero and am decapitated.