To Whom This Concerns

One has to be self-indulgent every now and again.
Proceed, sir.
First off...I've always been kind of a depressed person. Not starve myself, wrist-cutting, suicidal 8th grade girl-depressed Linkin Park lyrics depressed, just bummed out a great deal of the time. I don't know if it's genetic, or a listening-to-the-wrong-type-music depressed, or if I'm just, well, weak and (as my best friend would say) pussified. I can blame everything at the end of the day for my lack of confidence with women over the course of my 30 years, but mostly it's just been a typical male nightmare/repressed/depressing adventure through a series of girls who took advantage of my niceness and played me for a fool, and series of girls who I took advantage of and played for a fool. Both equally as evil and mean-spirited. But for someone who thinks of himself as a superman nice guy, I have shit in so many bowls of cereal, it's painful to think about. Girls that would have ultimately, probably calmed me down and helped me to avoid disaster at almost every turn. But, alas, my younger years were full of dumb mistakes and me taking revenge out on womanhood for the wrath taken out on me by the textbook pretty girls who are taking the same scenario out on me....every single time, back and forth.
Where are we going with this? Calm down, bubba, I'm getting to it. A while back, I met a girl who I had seen around my little space in the world quite a bit. Strikingly beautiful, my friends, but approachable. Dresses much more like a human person than a Vegas Cookie Cutter Design with the plastic chest, lips and...who knows what else. Doesn't wear 10 inch heels to the grocery, doesn't listen to house music. She likes rock and roll music, animals and good food. It's really that simple. But I still wasn't sure about her true nature; I have a serious issue with trust, but I was working on it.
I was constantly mentioning to anyone who would listen how I "bet that girl is cool, I bet she likes AC/DC, I bet she wants to watch Anchorman every Sunday"....on and on. Finally, a good female friend of mine took an imaginary gun to my head and told me to ask her out or I should "consider stopping the annoying talk before I was grabbed by the short hairs". Long story short, I began emailing her quips about bands she likes, or movies she should see...my standard way of getting to know someone. I was quite taken by the niceness and pure innocence that she seemed to exude over email, but that can always be faked, but I just didn't think so. So, at my friend's demand, I asked her out. She said yes.......and...oh man. That feeling is something else. All the doubt and fear are laying dormant for just a few minutes, but they are very transparent for awhile.
I was quite happy, to say the least. Mostly due to the fact that I had just recently spoken with her for the first time for more than a minute.......and I have to say, I am easily affected by voices. Annoying Valley Girl inflection can be worse than a history of Angel Dust arrests, in certain circumstances. But this girl's voice, with the exception of my niece's voice, is the sweetest, most kind and beautiful voice that I had ever heard say my name. I called her the first time and there was such an angelic inflection on the other line that made me feel bad for the booze and cigarette scarred primal grunts that I emit to communicate with others.
I was quite taken, and I barely knew her, but that doesn't matter. I went out and had dinner with her, and on the way home I'm thinking about a possible future together with her. She's not the normal kind of woman I choose: She loves children, dogs, food, family and rock and roll. That seems over-simplified; it's not. Those are the qualities that I have never looked for, and that's led to so much pain and disappointment. I went home on a high that was better than anything I did in my younger years; better than any show I've played; better than any pride of accomplishment. I had just spent an hour with the girl that I determined would be my wife some day and we could move back to the country, buy a few 4-wheelers, build a pond and fish when the weather is right. Cut wood in the winter for the fireplace, do my Father Houchin impression and maybe not screw it up. Show the kids how to pick mandolin and play the G-run on the guitar on the back porch.....you know, what I want out of all this eventually.
You can obviously see how I was setting myself up for a serious let down.....which occurred so quick it made me feel really dumb for all of that peaceful thinking and the good night's sleep. It wasn't her fault, or mine, it just wasn't going to work out. I'll spare the details; that's none of your business. But it was just another passing vision of what I really want out of life that I built up so much in my head that after it wasn't to be.....All my mind said for a few days was: "let's go to the bar and get blind and deaf drunk". Which I did. Cheaper than Zoloft and at least you're not pretending you're not chemically dependent.
But, why am I telling you this? I'm telling YOU this, just in case you would ever read this. Just act like they aren't here. Honestly, I don't think even my closest friends would know who this was about, so don't worry about that. I just want to say a few things to you before I move on to the next part of this big El Camino ride into the future.
You are wonderful and perfect, to me, and I hope you are To You as well. I don't care about what most think about me and my behavior; But I would sit up nights if I thought you had something bad to say about me. You can do whatever you want....there is no script to follow, there is no preferred method....you can go wherever and do whatever you think is best for you. Don't feel trapped; you're not. You're not in prison, you're not stuck in a loveless marriage....if you want something, put your eye on it, take a deep breath and pull the trigger. It's really that easy.
And I have a few requests: Please don't be with men that will be cruel and mean to you. I say this for selfish reasons: Because it's just not fair to someone that would do anything to be beside you every day and night and would do anything for you to hear that some guy is taking some past heartbreak out on you. These men don't deserve things this great, don't let them have it.
I know none of this probably affected you, but it did me, and you must be doing something right to have made me feel so good for a long time, even when I knew I wasn't going to benefit. I enjoy seeing things work out for you, and I truly hope they do. You deserve that much.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Back to the Angry Political Madness now. Move along, nothing else to see here.